I hated the phone for years. I hated it more in the middle of the night. It haunted me…that ringing. It always had bad news associated with it.

My mother was a great caller. All times of the day. Mostly to remind me what I did or should do. “Did you remember to water your tomato plants? Don’t forget your brother’s birthday. It is going to storm so remember to close your windows”. Sometimes it would be two or three calls in a matter of hours. She would forget that she had called. You always knew when a storm was coming…she would call to tell you. If it was a holiday or family dinner and she was to be picked up…the calls would start coming days ahead – “what time will you pick me up, where again, who will be there, what should I bring”. When my aunt was alive they had phone calls between themselves and then felt they each needed to call my brother and then myself and….talk about a party line!

After my mother had died, I still cringed whenever the phone rang. After a while I would check the phone to see if there was a call because I didn’t hear it ring. Amazing. Years later, I got a phone call in the middle of the night…I right away thought it was from my mother as I jumped up to answer. Of course it was not. A miss dial.

At my mother’s funeral, a friend spoke telling wonderful things about my mom. Then ended with how much they would miss her phone calls. The audience laughed and nodded in agreement. So, we were not alone in her phone calling. She must have been on her phone all day!!!

There was a time when the phone rang and it was a positive feeling.

• A good friend calling to chat.
• Your husband calling to say he was taking you out for dinner.
• A business college informing you that you won the contract.
• The publishing warehouse calling to say you won millions

 

Then life changed. Soon the calls meant something was wrong. You were needed – NOW. They came at all times of the day and evening.   They would break into your life. But you answered.

Why? Was it a sense of duty? Was it because of a commitment? Was it because of love? Was it because that is what daughters do? Was it…….

There are different feelings associated with the “why.” And a different sense of guilt, pain, anger. As a caregiver the toil of caring is a constant drain of our resources.   Caregiving is a major stress. It hits us physically, mentally, spiritually. It goes to the core of who we are. We enter that world innocent. So it is important to step back and ask why we answered the phone.

Why we chose to do something is just as important as what we do. A deeper look as to why we answer the call helps us to see who we are as a person. Take some time to think about it. List the reasons why you chose to answer the phone. Then make a list next to you answer how that makes you feel. The reason I am getting to this is because our feelings do surface. We need to understand that and it will help us to control ourselves and the circumstances we are in. We cannot stop aging. We cannot stop the aliments all the time. But we can control ourselves.

The phone for my mother became her lifeline to the outside world. Her reason for calling was to hear another voice and not be so lonely. It even gave her a sense of purpose. To bug me…to be my mom            (ok, she did not realize she was bugging me, but she did know she was being a mother, still telling me what to do). But it also was her safety link. As annoying as those calls were, I would chose them over the other calls. The ones from neighbor who called to inform you the ambulance had come to take her to the hospital. Or the Doctor office calling to say it is time to move her to a nursing home. Or even that call from my sister asking me to come home.