On the way to get some hot coco on a cold winter day, my friend asked me that question as he turns the car into traffic. Out of the blue he asked. Nothing in our conversation before was there anything near this subject. Actually, we never talked about caregiving in any length before. He knew I had worked in the field and he knew I was a caregiver. But he never really explored this subject with me.

I asked him to clarify his question. “What do you mean.” Then the flood gates open and soon four hours past. I hardly spoke. It was his time to release all the pressure that had mounted up behind those gates. He needed to let it go. And he did.

You know that song, “You’ve got to know when to fold…” Well, in talking to another caregiver it is like that. You may have the knowledge, but unless they are at the same point…you got to just “hold.” Finally he asked again, “When did they get so mean?”

That is a good question. Not every elderly person gets mean as they grow older. But I have heard and seen people who did “change.” Not like the famous movie “The Body Snatchers”, but almost. Like over night they became this mean, complaining, demanding person. Grumpy Ol’Men type. When did that happen?

It is amazing when it does. When they are around other people, they can be sweet as pie. But at home, it is different. Radically. But is that not all of us. In public we are good. Then we come home, throw off our shoes, put on some comfortable clothes…and puff…we are home. We can say, itch, eat whatever way we want. Or until one of the other family members come home. Yet, even then we conduct ourselves on a different level until company comes. So we all have different personas. We all have different levels of acceptance of those personas. Therefore, we all can let loose and shock the people around us with our behavior…good or bad.

Living alone does not help. You start getting too use to letting go. What is acceptable and what is not becomes larger and larger but their world is getting smaller and smaller. As more family members move out, the smaller their world becomes. Pretty soon just making a meal becomes either too much…or who cares…just eat some popcorn. . Physical changes increase the problem. Hearing, seeing, feeling starts taking their toll. Pain creates havoc on anyone and if it years of pain….you start letting go.

I remember one of the first times when my mother snapped at a waitress. I was horrified! Her voice was not only piercing, but it was loud and the whole restaurant could hear. The next time it happen, she kept going…as if it was acceptable. But it was not. I politely told her so. She backed down right away. It was hard for me to do that. Here I was reprimanding my mother.

Somewhere out there, there is a manual of life. It tells you how this life of ours works. In the back there is a larger section on Troubleshooting. We all have those little booklets that come with a new gadget…or at least we glance at them Troubleshooting is only when things go really wrong and even then we do not read it as closely as we should. Of course dealing with humans…that would be huge! In other words there is no manual for getting old. There are only assumptions. Ones we believe we know, ones that were taught and ones we just made up.

We learn from our parents and those around us. They teach us how to eat, walk, talk. We learn from them how our emotions work – good and bad. We learn from them how to spend and save – good and bad. But somewhere in all that learning there is nothing about becoming old and how to deal with it. You are lucky if you had a grandparent living with or close by. You gleam from them how it is getting old and dealing with it. The same for how your parents dealt with them – good or bad. If you did not have an older person in your family your knowledge may have come from the cartoons, books and movies. Remember Mr. Magoo? Or the little old lady who took care of Tweedy Bird? Eyesight problems. Hearing problems. Hunch over. Talked with quivering voices. If you were to ask to portray an elderly person how would you do it? Crunch up your face. Squint your eyes. Pull in your lips. Hunch over as if using a cane and shake? Looks like Mr. Magoo to me!

So what do you do about it? Simple. Put yourself in their place. If it is just because they are getting too comfortable with being by themselves….time for more visitors. Isolation will zap the need to be nice out of anyone. It also allows a person to let a little too much go. So check the wardrobe before you leave. Complement them on items that they would look better in (or even cleaner). Give them genuine positive feedback. Maybe a good cleaning of the closet and a shopping day would help.

It is not always the obvious that lays the problem. Maybe, they can’t do the things they use to. Such as bathing. It could be as simple as needing grab bars for safety in the bathroom. Or the wash machine is in the basement and stairs are too hard to maneuver without better lighting. If they no longer drive, how can they get their hair done? All of these little things build upon the larger from being a winner or failure.

Pain or medications could also be at issue. When you don’t feel good, you are not looking good. Pain bites away at your inner sole. It tears, grips, and pounds you down. Sometimes with medication you have no idea how you are reacting. Sometimes you have no control. But it should not stop a person from interactions. And sometimes, taking a breath before we react gives a moment for that pain to ease up. The goal is not to center on the pain but the change environment to get your mind off the pain.

And then there is the behavior. I learned after pretending it didn’t happen to finally realizing that I had to do something. Put it this way. If your mother or father wanders out in the middle of traffic would you even hesitate to go get them and bring them to safety? The same goes for a “mean” behavior. Yes, I had to reprimand my mother. It was hard. But the alternative would be worst. And I have seen it. Where an adult child is yelled at, shouted at, belittled, negative name calling, it will escalate. It will start to become on the borderline of vulnerable abuse by them or the adult child. Therefore a little nudge and reminder is better than a yelling match. Find that sweet spot that they will respond to. Give them dignity but be firm and be consistent.

When did they get so mean? Some day they may be saying that about you. How would you want them to respond. This is a teachable moment with your children. Let them know by your actions. And yes, this is hard. It is very hard. But if this didn’t bother you then you would not care. Since you care, that means there is hope. Find the activity, people who will make both of you have a great time so that the pain, medication or other interference would pail. For my mom and me…it was shopping! But that is another story!