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My mom seemed to enjoyed her winters in California.  I had lived in Pasadena the first year of her “winter” visits, and then moved to a place called Fillmore.  It was a small town of 3000.  I called it the Mayberry of Southern California.  Where everyone seemed to know each other.  You paid your electric bill at the sporting goods store.  You paid your phone bill at the Flower shop.  If you want stamps, you just buy them from your post person as they delivered your mail.  23 churches (about two of each religion, since they would have disagreements and form their own church). A small public park square with a band shell. It was a cute little town.  Just perfect for Hollywood to come up and use the main street in their films.  You expect to see Andy and Barney coming down the street.

For the Fourth of July, everyone went to the high school football field and piled into the rickety stadium seats.  A record player played over the crackly PA system patriotic tunes that was interrupted to inform some child’s parents to get them off the snack shack roof or not let them run on the field.  After the fireworks then everyone went back to their home to set off their own “missiles’” and I mean missiles.  This was the only city in Southern California that allowed fireworks and they were crazy about them.  It was amazing that no one got killed or the town burnt to the ground.

I lived in an old 1940’s side by side duplex.  Typical of houses those days, they sat on cinder blocks.  Just waiting for an earth quake to knock them over.  Next door to the duplex was a nice couple of my mom’s age.  So when my mom came up for her Winter vacation,  I introduced her to the neighbors.  They enjoyed each other and would sit out on the porch sipping ice tea and enjoying the California winter.  She also was able to attend a church in a town close by that gave her even more opportunities to meet people.  This was just the perfect location for her.  She seemed to thrive there.  With her having her own friends gave me time to be with mine.  But I started to see a pattern emerging.  My friends no longer wanted to come over when she was there.  I was going to their place instead.  When my mother returned to my sister’s house, my friends wanted to come over to my house again.  It was strange, but I had no idea why at that time.

Close to the end of her stays – whether it was at my sisters or mine place, the phone calls between my sister and myself would escalate.  Each of us would feel trap and frustrated.  We needed space.  We needed to get away.  We each had “war stories.”  And we each clung to the other because we knew someone understood the madness.  It was coming to the end of my mother’s winter vacation and I needed the break.  I needed to reclaim myself.  My house.  My cupboards.  My TV.  My shopping.  My friends.  My identity.  My LIFE!

My mom turned 70 one year while at my place in California.  I decided that I would take her to Disneyland .  I thought she would enjoy it and why not….it is the perfect place.  I knew she has said in the past that she did not like Disney World.  When she was in Florida for a few years she would complain about it.  I took it as all her Northern snowbirds friends always wanted to go there when they visited her,  and she was just tired of it.  So the night before, I informed her to have walking clothes and shoes on the next morning and we will have a early start.

Not knowing where she was going she just enjoyed the hour and half ride.  When we got to Disneyland she was upset.  She did not want to go inside.  I finally persuaded her by promising we would just stay for an hour.  As we walked down the main street she was not impress.  I was bewildered….here we are at Disneyland…how could you not be impress?  We were coming to the end and ready to move on into another area.  She really protested.  She was not going any further.  She would not go on any of those rides.  After all, she is 70 years old.  Then I realize.  She thought the rides were roller coasters and such like that.  I tried to convinced her to go on the train ride, which again she saw it as something else.  This time a child’s ride.  So we bickered, walked into Frontier Land.  I got her to the Golden Saloon and in we went to have a “rest” and decide what to do next.  Then the show started.  And then, my mom started to see a whole different side to the “rides”.  She was transfixed.  “I never knew they had shows.”  So instead of calling them rides, I started to call them shows.  And it worked.  We went everywhere!  She was pulling me, eager to get to the next show in time and the good seats.  We spent the whole morning going to “shows.”

Finally after the Country Bear Jamboree, we took a break.  We went to a food place that at Disneyland – the restaurant over looks Tom Sawyer’s Island.  The paddle wheel boat would pass the deck where we could look out and enjoy the somewhat quite view.  After all it was Disneyland.  The soft banjo music playing and the good food.  It was nice and restful….until my mom shot up and screamed!  Then she ran.  I had no idea what just happened and looking around and getting up I had no idea what was going on.  She ran, pushing children away to get to… Goofy!  Here was my mom, the one who did not want to go to Disneyland, who was not going on any rides….who is 70 years old and she is overwhelmed with seeing Goofy!!!  I believed Goofy was taken aback by her hugs!  All these little kids surrounding Goofy and my mom!!  What a sight!  Then a bigger scream!  “Mini, Mini!”  My mom called out when poor unbeknown Mini Mouse appear.  Another run pushing kids aside and crunch moment.  My mom was so happy and so excited.  I truly believed she thought I had arranged it all.  And for that moment, I was the good daughter!

We spent the remainder of the day going from one “show to another.”  Enjoying the fun and wonderment of Disneyland.  She embraced every magical moment.  At one point we were sitting in a park area overlooking Main Street.  The Barbershop Quartet had just sung and moved on.  The cotton candy vendor was making the best smelling cotton candy.  People were happy all around.  And of course the music in the background softly playing.  The lights were just coming on.  We sat there in a nice warm second breath of silence when my mom looking out on the horizon said: “I just never realize there was anything worth seeing at the end of Main Street.”  She then explain that all those visits with her friends and family at Disney World was boring to her because she never wanted to go on the “rides.”  She stayed on Main Street for hours while the rest ran around.  She never knew there was a bigger world to see.   She never knew there were “shows.”  I sat there, trying to keep my mouth shut and allowed her that moment.

We stayed into the evening to see the fireworks and by that time taking longer rests.  I am sure Goofy or Mini Mouse was staying far away from us, because we never saw them again.  On the drive home, my mom fell asleep and I smiled.  I was the good daughter.

So many times we see the world out of our own eyes and forgetting the view of the other.  I did have to push my mom to go to Disneyland.  But I just could not believe anyone would not like it.  What I fail to see was her point of view.  Her perspective.  Could we have talked about this before and would she have been more open?  It is hard to know.  Rides meant fear. But once I divorced the word “rides” she accepted a word that meant to her sitting and watching, not so threating.  And once I knew that “shows” was that word – for the rest of the day that is what I used.  There were some moments that I had to do fast thinking and reassure her that they meant show instead of rides like on the brochure map.   I soon tucked that information out of sight.  Yet, her world open up.  And I saw a side of my mother that I had not seen before….she was young again.

That day is hard to put into words.  It is a special memory for me.  It is hard to put into words because it was so much more than words could describe.  On that ride home as I contemplated my success I also realize why it was so important.  We were changing.  I had been looking at my lost more than hers.  I was overwhelmed with this process and what it really was about.  That is caregiving.  Once you answer that phone call…you have no idea what it means.  There would be really hard times ahead.  Times that I just wanted to run away and hide.  There were times yet to come that would take me down to the very existence of my soul.  But there also would be moments like this day at Disneyland. A very special day indeed.